I bet you didn't know that I'm afraid of holidays. I'm afraid of holidays because most of them come with a personal "attack" on my faith. Christmas and Easter- I know that's my fault. I have a hindrance that's preventing me from going to service that I can't explain, so when my mom questions me about it, I lie and say that service is at another, larger church in a farther location. Then I get a slight lecture about these holidays being the holiest, which I know. I didn't expect this lecture to come on Mother's Day though. So I didn't get my mom anything, and I was especially bitter and irritated by the fact that she was expecting something- and openly said it. A while after, she said something along the lines of, "you go to church- shouldn't you be more considerate?" And I just stared at my food. Like all the other times this has happened to me, I didn't know how to respond...to this especially. My actions totally do not reflect the church. I thought about it, and I must admit that I'm not big enough to admit that it's just my problem. This incident has caused me to realize that when situations like this arise, I suck at apologetics. At this point, it's probably not even a matter of knowing what to say, it's a matter of having the courage to say it. However, I am glad that I realized this.
On a better note, I just finished having a good chat with one of my friends and I was inspired to blog. I was saying how I was inspired to be more forgiving. For you Samuel people, I don't know if you remember the video "Baggage", but there was a line from that that really stuck with me. It was something along the lines of, "what if God said 'I can't forgive you- what you did was just too horrible'". I can honestly say that I've let go and forgiven people who hurt me, now I'm just sorry that I wasted time by not realizing this sooner. My friend's in a similar situation, and I'm glad I found the time to share this with her. So then, we also talked about how we take our relationship with God for granted- like that concept of praying when we need something. And we're both thankful that we have the privilege to be with a group of friends where most people are Christians. There's no doubt in my mind that things would be very different if I hadn't fallen with this group.
My goals for before/during university: Stay strong about my faith. Learn to stand up. Remember this feeling.
I titled this entry "Two steps forward and one step back" because I feel like those two steps are coming to the realization that I need to strengthen my faith and having the feeling of being thankful for being forgiven. My one step back is not yet being strong or brave enough to stand up for my faith. I'm sure this will arise again, so hopefully then I can do something about it.
Yours truly,
Sabrina
Hi Sab, I certainly hear your pain and frustration. Forgive yourself as God has forgiven you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you titled it "two steps forward and one step back," and realized it is a journey to learn to walk with Him. I have my own struggle in pain these days, yet feel I am losing ground too. Please pray that I can move one step forward if not two!
Your honest sharing is a great encouragement!! We all have things we struggle with in our lives, and I think if we were all honest about them like you, improvement is sure to follow.
ReplyDeleteKeep reflecting and learning :]
I enjoy reading your posts esp. when a whole slew of them are about some body questioning about your faith. I really see that God is trying to tell you something and I am quite sure you do as well. Keep on learning as Christine said, and keep being sensitive to these occasions. I think God is really trying to speak to you through these incidents to let you reflect and change the way you choose to live out your faith. Sometimes we do need a little more of that courage and boldness. Keep praying for it too. =)
ReplyDeletehow come you don't name it "one step back, two steps forward"? because you took a step back, so that you can take two steps foward... :P haha
ReplyDeleteit's always cool to have christian friends to support you when you are down. university time will be a real challenge to your faith as you will encounter people from MANY different faiths. You might get into spiritual talks with them, where they start by attacking your faith. How you defend it depends how well you know the bible, that is, assuming you want to get into that type of conversation. If you need help, you can always put it up here. Or UNI blog haha.. :P some people, or at least someone, will answer your questions.
I shall get my telescope out and look for you in the sky.
it's so awesome that u get so many God-moments with other individuals.... with regards to ur mom and mother's day thing, i think it's just as important to understand that mother's day is man made... God's intention was for every day to be mother's day... we should not only be nice to mom on that one day during the yr... honestly, i think a lot of ppl really need to be educated on what holidays mean b4 they take the title for granted....
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