A month ago, I was frustrated with God.
A few weeks ago, I began to lose faith.
A few days ago, I refused to pray when I was alone.
Today, I checked the blog for the first time in a month.
Today, I added the Bible as an essential to bring to Carleton.
Today, I swear I'll take a break from running.
Hello, it's been a while.
It's funny how a job that was supposed to bring me closer to God made me stray farther away. Honestly, I think it's because of my nature- it felt like I HAD to be a strong believer because it was part of the job. When I feel like I HAVE to do something, I become resentful of it. So then I was just stuck in that mindset for a long time. To add to that, because I was still teaching bible stories for VBS without really believing, it killed me even more because now I felt like that everything was such a lie.
I bet you didn't know that I hate birthdays. I hate birthdays because I always think back on the previous years- not the good stuff either, all the crap that happened. So now I'm blaming God not only for things that happened to me, but my inability to deal with it.
So I came to a little realization...well actually, I knew it all along, I'm just more willing to admit it now: I chose Carleton because it's far. I think I've told everyone that. Yes, far away from parents, friends, hopefully the past, and church (the literal CLBC church). I guess I figured it'd be easier to run from God if I didn't feel obligated to go to church here- especially if I was unmotivated to find a church/fellowship in university.
But through all my wallowing in my sorrows, I've always though, "is God doing this because he thinks this is gonna make me run to him harder and faster?" I guess so. I'm stubborn, but I know when to give up. I can choose to ignore, but I know when I'm given a message. It's 20 days until moving day, and I'm a tad mortified. This is what I get for making an irrational decision in an (non-alcoholic) intoxicated mind. Why did I choose somewhere so far that I'll have to be for the next 5 years? I can't leave it all behind. And now that I can't with me home, friends, or family, I'll take God with me. Because that might be all I have, and that might be all I need.
So I'm going to keep running from my past for a while. And God, I need to take you with me during my marathon. Because we all know I can only run so far before I need to stop.
--sabrina
"An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates. Praise God for your honest reflection and sharing.
ReplyDeleteChristians are meant to live in community. They are not meant to stand alone fighting their own battles. Even Jesus needs his closest disciples to keep watch and pray for him. We are far weaker than our Lord Jesus! Peter, thought he was strong as a leader, but he failed too, and said, "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) How true it is.
Also, be reminded of the "one another" ministry Paul shares in the New Testament. It is God's will for the children of God to assembly together, to love one another, to encourage one another, to build one another up, to serve one another...and so when one falls down, the other can help him/her up. It is also a witness to the non-Christians as we gather in a loving community as such.
My prayer for you is that you will have the desire, courage and commitment to run to God by joining a Christian church in Ottawa. By attending worship and Bible classes, you'll learn to listen to His calling. By fellowshipping with brothers and sisters, you will be built up as well as to build up others.
Pray that in a few years time you will come out as a much stronger spiritual leader, rise up and be what God calls you to be!
Don't forget we are always here for you too. We are one body in the house of God.
God bless.
Hey woman,
ReplyDeleteThis is gonna sound cheesy. I believe everyone's story/past is different in each of their own sad or happy way. I used to think that I was like the saddest person on earth when I had problems at home and with family but as I grew up and looked into my life I saw so many blessings from God despite some unhappy times in the past. After this mission trip to Macau i feel even more strongly about God's amazing-ness; His love; and His faithfulness. It draws tears to my eyes to hear one of the sharings by a sister in Macau and it amazes me God can work in peoples lives. What i learned is to not just count my blessings but to really look into your experiences both happy or sad, good or bad and see what God is trying to teach you. Pray about it more often and just ask God where He wants to lead you and what He wants to tell you. =) I'll pray for you. And i mean it this time. haha
i can't say i didnt tear after reading this. I cant believe i didnt read this post til today although this blog is my homepage.
ReplyDeleteI guess that just tells me how much i actually read this. haha.
first of all, I admire your courage for what you wrote. I praise God for this blog that we are all able to share our thoughts without each other even if we are far away.
ReplyDeleteAs I shared at the wild camp, I have once been running away from my past. The loneliness and hatred towards others (including God) were on top of the list and those years have been fairly daunting. (This type of feeling/attitude/emotion is called the Dark Night of the Soul.) Hiding from people and things at Waterloo (though only 1.5 hrs away as oppose to 4-5 hrs) "helps" to keep me calm and sane. I have always believed that running away is the answer to a lot of problems and let time dilute them. Until I realized, that is actually not the solution. Rather, it is God's unfailing love that saved me. Upon reflecting on the bible, I become convinced that no matter how cruel life is treating you, you are never alone. Jesus, our saviour, is always with you, waiting to have a personal time with you, anywhere, any time. All you need to do is to seek Him. Let me tell you something, even to this date, I am still running away from some of those problems. But, through the love of God, I took the first step to face my past. Still struggling to take the next step.
"is God doing this because he thinks this is gonna make me run to him harder and faster?"
I don't know. God seems more like the patient type, rather than puttig a lot of stress on you and force you to go to home. He would let you go to Him willingly.
But one thing I do know is that when you are in university, your faith will face trials of many kinds. You will have a lot of questions about what you believe in and these are healthy questions (to some extent). It gets to you really think about who Jesus is and why you call yourself a Christian. Like many of my friends, I have gone through the same stage. It helps in a way because no one will remind you to go to church. You won't see Tina, Amy, Karen Chan etc. It will totally depend on how much you want to go to church and worship God.
Sabrina, my friend, no matter what happens, the door to UNI fellowship and the UNI blog is always open for you. If you need people to share your pain/sadness/joy/happiness with, we are waiting.